He Said It Was The Biggest Turd Ever…So Of Course I Listened

My husband and I don’t get out much, really we don’t. We are somewhat of a recession family. We pay our bills, we eat, we have the necessities, but not much left over for “extras” or going out. He works A LOT and goes to school and I stay home with the kids (because between day care and gas, who can afford to work these days?). So our lives are not charmed and the “little things” are what keep us going. He sits and listens to my endless stories of what Bug did wrong today, or the new word that Bubby learned, or how I cleaned the carpets (again) or whatever new recipe I found…you know, all the big adventures of a stay-at-home mom!
I in turn listen to countless stories of sweaty pipe fitting men, the problems of the day, writing on bathroom stalls, idiots in class, or whatever other exciting adventures he may have encountered during his day.
There was a time we took vacations and went out to dinner and had excitement in our lives, but for now, it is what it is and we both respect each others place in this world of ours, so we sit and we listen no matter what.
I should note that for Valentine’s Day, he paid for a month of unlimited tanning for me (something I dearly love), but understand a month of unlimited tanning with our schedule means I get to go on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday only. So a week ago on Thursday (ahhh the day I had been waiting for all week), he comes home all excited wanting to tell me a story. He began with “It was the biggest turd I’ve ever seen, you have to hear this”, so of course, I delayed my plans to listen. I mean it was the biggest turd ever, right? He has a tendency to elaborate (stretch a story until he beats it to death) but I was hoping I could listen and still make the tanning salon before they closed. And so he began:
Making this long story short (something he hasn’t mastered), he walked into the bathroom on the 19th floor (and apparently this was an important factor or he would have never bothered to mention it). On his way in he noticed a big turd in the toilet so he flushed it on the way to the urinal. That’s what all good employees would do. He went in, did his business, and when he walked back by, this “thing” again caught his eye (really? He seriously had to be looking). As the obviously good employee that he is, concerning himself only with safety and cleanliness, he flushed again. It wouldn’t go. This is when he apparently noticed that this was the biggest turd ever. He tried to flush it again (third times the charm you know), but to no avail. It was stuck so he said. It was at least 3′ long and 2′ in diameter. I’m certain that he was not exaggerating because he NEVER does that!
So what’s the next order of business when you see this safety hazard? No question, go get your buddies of course! The three of them apparently stood there and tried to flush this beast and giggled like school girls…it was NOT going down. Next order of business? Why of course, you run to your boss’s office to tell him of this monstrosity. What else would you do? You tell the boss that he should be looking for the guy bleeding out of his butthole because this guy needs to go to the hospital. Yes, that’s what you do. And the story ended with that. I smiled and nodded (seriously, what would you do?), but he had said it was the biggest turd he’d ever seen. He was so excited. I had to listen. And I did! Then I left, and I was oh-so-proud….
I got to tan that night so it wasn’t a complete loss. And by the way, when I got home, I am all but certain that I told him that Bubby counted to 11 that day. Might not have been as big of news as the biggest turd ever, but I was proud!  He listened, smiled, and nodded.

About Christy

Christy Gossett, managing editor of SoFabFood and creator of the healthy living blog, Insanity Is Not An Option, is a WAHM of 6 kids ranging in age from 27 to 8. She enjoys sharing her heart-healthy, low sodium recipes to help others with dietary restrictions enjoy a flavorful life while maintaining a healthy diet.

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  1. What a funny story! Following you from MBC. At least you got to tan that night! 🙂