Naked Moment: I’m Not Comfortable In My Skin

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comfortable

I’m not comfortable in my skin, at all. It’s something I should deal with, but I can’t. I can’t get passed the woman I see in the mirror. The aging woman. I just…can’t.

It depresses me. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about ending it so that I can go out with a gust of glory. Then I think about B, and the kids, and I move right along. And then I remember that my gust of glory, as I look in that mirror, passed me by some years ago. Depressed.

I can’t do much about my aging face, about my sagging skin. I do all I can. I exercise. I drink plenty of water. I pay copious amounts of money, quarterly, to reverse the signs of aging, but that only masks the signs. None of this gives me the results I long for. None of that…brings me back to a place and time when I was comfortable in my skin.

It probably doesn’t help that B is 10 (oh let’s get naked…11) years my junior. He never complains about my looks. Quite the contrary, he tells me I’m beautiful, constantly. But my strolls passed the mirror, speak louder than words. I’m not pretty anymore, not on the outside anyway.

Inside? I’m gorgeous. I’m fun. I’m humorous. I’m one of the most caring, giving souls on the planet. Inside is what counts, right? Not so much to me, anymore. I can’t stop looking in that mirror. I can’t stop seeing the wrinkles. I can’t stop seeing the droopy skin. I just, well…can’t stop.

I see the droop, I see the sag, I see the ugly. I forget about the inside. And I’m sad. I’m through. I’m ready to give up more times than not. I cry often about this. That’s pitiful in itself. Is that really important? I don’t notice others’ wrinkles. I don’t judge them based on their wrinkles, nor their looks. Why do I have to judge myself so harshly?

And, then there’s my friends. My young, beautiful friends. We joke, amongst ourselves, about my age. It’s funny, right? I guess, but not so much to me. It hurts me. The jokes. At my expense. All in fun. But it hurts. Depressed.

Ladies and gentleman, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about ending it all. Just to get rid of this vision that is now my face. Not a single day. But my husband? My kids? My babies? My grandbaby? They need me. I need them, and I want to be here for them. I want to see their successes and achievements in life. I want to be here. I really do.

How do I deal with this internal battle? How do I deal with…my face? How do I…just get passed this?

I’m not comfortable in my skin, but I love my family. I want to put that thought of laying down and going to sleep, for good, out of my brain. I want to STOP seeing that sagging face in the mirror and start seeing the HEART and SOUL that is still beautiful.

How do I just get comfortable in my skin again?

Y’all, I’m so sorry for this public pity party, but I thought you should know. I play a pretty mean public social media game. In public in my “real” life, both outside of the home and in, I appear to be vibrant and happy. I want to make those around me laugh and smile. I want everyone to be happy, always. But honestly, when I’m alone, just me and my skin, I struggle in silence. There’s the naked truth.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programs. I just need to figure out a way to be comfortable in this saggy skin again. I can do this!

My life is good. I have a beautiful family, I have great friends, and I have an amazing job. Yes, I CAN do this!

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  1. I wish you could see yourself the way those who love you see you. You are beautiful outside and in. You just aren’t as young as you used to be. Well none of us are. With age comes an even deeper beauty and you are rocking it. <3
    Melissa Lawler recently posted…#SayCheeseburger Twitter PartyMy Profile

  2. I think you are pretty. It is sad that you can’t see that anymore. I hope you get to where to you can again. Soon.
    Elle recently posted…Glide Thru Detangling Brush From Crave Naturals ReviewMy Profile

  3. I think many of us feel that way as we age. I think of the 19 year old girl I used to be so often and I wish I had her body and beautiful looks. but, then I realize I’m not that girl, nor would I want to be. I’m so much m
    ore than that now. I’m a mom, wife and successful woman. So are you! It could be worse and I think you’re beautiful, inside and out! I hope you’re able to get past your insecurities and embrace the amazing woman you’ve become. Big Hugs!
    mel recently posted…Gold Plated HDMI cable by Solid Cordz‏My Profile

  4. You already know I’m going to say I love you. You know I’m not comfortable in my skin. You know I’m depressed every day, too. Just know I’m here right there with you and I get it. Maybe I don’t get it the same way but the feelings are the same. I’m here anytime you need a depressed shoulder to cry on.
    JanetGoingCrazy recently posted…What Mom Didn’t Teach Me About PregnancyMy Profile

  5. Unfortunately, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here. I know (from experience) that people can say how beautiful you are, but it doesn’t matter if YOU don’t feel it. You are right, you CAN do it. You WILL do it. You have to find some time for Christy, to have the space to really be able to love the way you look again. That comes from respecting your body, your thin but strong legs. Your piercing, bright blue eyes that allow you to stare at a screen for 10 – 12 hours a day…and that let you see your BABIES and your MAN.

    You are beautiful. You ARE beautiful.
    Brandi recently posted…Preschool Is Ending. Hold Me.My Profile

  6. Your words (and your courage to speak them) really resonated with me. I wish I had words of wisdom for you or an answer. I may not know exactly how you feel, but I struggle with similar feelings every single day – mostly because my body is just not the same, nor will it ever be the same as it was before having my three children, including twins. It’s hard. We are so harsh on ourselves, when others around simply don’t see what we’ve targeted in the mirror. I can say that, but I have trouble believing it myself most days. And people can tell you different til they’re blue in the face…what matters is what you feel. I don’t see what you see – I see a beautiful woman and those eyes….jealous. :) Like you said, you can and you will do it. Find what makes you feel beautiful and go with it…it might be from years past, but you are still beautiful.
    Stephanie recently posted…Join Me for the #HerHealth Twitter Party – 5/29 1-2pm ESTMy Profile

  7. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. It’s a distorted view of myself that was probably brought on by someone saying something at one time. I can find such beauty in many others so easily, but loving myself was always so much harder. A bulge here a wrinkle there. I still get days where I feel this way especially after 4 kids and 6 pregnancies in 9 years. The fact is I know I will never be the lady in the mags. I won’t even be that wrinkle free young woman I was 15 years ago. I don’t know how to explain it, but something in me just let go a few years ago. I was and am too tired of fighting those feelings and it fogs my mind and health. I still want to be healthy and there’s nothing wrong with taking care of myself, but I now take care of my soul first. You are so loved. I hope you can find peace. You are awesome and beautiful and have so much purpose in this life. <3 thanks for sharing!

  8. I completely understand the self-scrutiny. I know I judge myself harshly too, but for what it’s worth, I think you are beautiful.

  9. First, you are beautiful! I need you to know that. Second, I feel your pain. There are days I look in the mirror and think “WHY?” Why do I look like this? Why have I done this to my body? We have to remember that while we might feel that way on the outside, it truly is what is on the inside that counts. WE are both amazing women, writers and mothers. We are beautiful. xoxoox
    Censie Sawyer recently posted…Y3W: I Love YouMy Profile

  10. You’re beautiful, inside and out. And I know me telling you that means nothing. And I honestly think you don’t have to be happy when you look in the mirror and it’s totally OK to go to all sorts of lengths to make yourself feel better. That said-you’re not happy and that’s not good. So do what you need to do to get to your happy place again. Shots and lasers are the bandaid to what needs to be fixed on the inside.
    Amy recently posted…{Tutorial} Creating Smooth Edges in the Silhouette StudioMy Profile

  11. Everyone has already said what the girl side of me would say so let’s give you the other side of things. I wouldn’t say anything about your age if you looked or acted like it. (You don’t tell a person they are less than beautiful, KWIM?) But dayummmm… you gots it goin’ on!

    I admire how you have aged. You have the rack I can’t get for 8-ish years, your skin is nearly flawless, and your figure is on point. How ’bout them apples? My new ways of expressing these feelings might consist of: oogling and cat-calls. Which option would be more tasteful? I want to make sure I treat you like the popping tab lady that you are. :)

    PS- I’m sorry we joked about your age. For real. I love you and need you to stick around, so please pity party more if you need to get it off your chest. <3
    Mallery Schuplin recently posted…Pink and Gold Bridal Shower DecorationsMy Profile

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