On Turning a Half a Century Old

Upon turning a half a century old, I have a lot to reflect on. Some good, some bad, but all valuable in its own right. Does life really begin at 50, or is it basically just the beginning of the end?

On turning a half a century old, reflecting on good, bad, and valuable lessons. Does life really begin at 50, or is it just the beginning of the end?

I remember, vividly, the day I turned 25. I was depressed…so depressed. I knew, as the not-so-happily married mom of one almost four-year-old daughter with a “real” job and real bills, that I was no longer a kid anymore as soon as that clock struck midnight. I remember the week leading up to that day, crying regularly, knowing that day was the “beginning of the end” for me. I remember staying up until the clock turned, just to see if I felt different. I totally did. I felt grown, I didn’t feel like I was in a good place, and I was depressed as hell!

That year, my mom helped my then husband and friends in my neighborhood host a party for me. By host, I mean she basically planned and paid for it. She was worried about me. We still call it Suicide Watch 25 because it was THAT BAD in my mind. So bad. I really wanted to be a Toys ‘R Us Kid forever. The party happened, it was fun, and obviously, I didn’t commit suicide (because that would have been just a bit too dramatic, even for me). Life went on.

In fact, life’s gone on for me for an additional 25 years. The ups, the downs, the MANY more kids, the divorces, the marriages, the job changes. I’ve handled them all like an “adult” because that’s what I am and it’s what I’ve been since that day 25 years ago.

So, 25 years later (THE WHAT? I cannot be 50), I’m still trying to figure out this adulting thing. I’m still depressed about it, at times. I still long for that day, the one that lasted for a full 24 hours before that clock struck midnight, 25 years and one day ago.

My husband says I should wear this age with a badge of honor. A lot of people “don’t make it” here (well thanks, babe, that’s depressing). Not many have raised as many kids, have accomplished what I have, still look as good as I do (his rose-colored glasses are so refreshing to me, y’all), and a lot of people still don’t have their shit as together now as I did back then.

Sure, easy for him to say since his badge is 10 years younger than mine. Whatever. Grain of salt, but I love his sentiment and I definitely try to take his words, and sentiment, to heart.

But still, I’m 50 y’all. FIFTY. A half a century. I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life. I’ve seen global walls come down, and global walls go back up (thanks good and bad U.S. admins). I’ve seen my babies be born and grow, I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve seen failing health in family members, and I’ve witnessed the birth of my third generation. Literally, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain, I’ve seen sunny days…OH, you know.

My life’s been a good life. The wait for the rollercoaster always seems long and annoying, but it’s always worth the ride. Sure, I still get as depressed as I did 25 years ago about taking this adulting thing to a new level, but (other than the wrinkles) I don’t think I’d trade any experience (good or bad), any bit of knowledge I’ve obtained, or any nook and cranny of this long, crazy life for anything in the world. I could ditch the heartache (that’s a song for another time), I could ditch the aches and pains that catch up with you from being a tomboy on the playground in elementary school, a cheerleader in the 80’s, the ex-wife of an abusive crackhead, the mom of four kids by c-section and two kids by marriage (step parenting is *super fun*), but I would NOT be the person I am today if I skipped any of those stages in my life.

I’m a pretty freaking awesome person, if I do say so myself.

Do I wish I were a younger me? You bet your ass I do. I was gorgeous back then, but in a way, I’m more gorgeous today (I just have to be a little more inventive when I take selfies for you to see that on the outside). Do I wish my clock weren’t ticking so quickly? We all do. I still have littles to raise, a husband to care for and love, a family that means SO much to me, and work goals I need to accomplish.

Am I ready to give up? Hell no! I’m middle aged in my mind. I watch Good Morning America, people live well into their 100’s. It’s my turn to do this 25 year old depression again, and then again…again.

So, if you see me today, know that I’m fragile. I’m dealing with half a century of emotion…of love, of joy, of experience, and of pain. Understand that I might not be “myself” today, but tomorrow, when that clock strikes midnight again, we’re all cool. Be gentle with my heart. Today, as odd as it as it sounds, I’m feeling 25 again and I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here in this next chapter of my life.

Today, I turn 50, and I’m just not certain how I feel about turning a half a century old, you know?

The Birthday Jinx: On This Day In History

On this day in history, April 19th, a lot of horrific events have happened over the years. Events no one wants to associate with celebration, certainly not this birthday jinx. Tragic events. If you share a birthday with this historically jinxed day, do you celebrate, or hide and hope that nothing else bad happens?

The Birthday Jinx #ThisIs49

Fact, today is my birthday. I’ve been somewhat in hiding all day trying to avoid the birthday jinx. This has nothing (OK, almost nothing) to do with my age. I don’t want the birthday jinx to hit again. On this day in history, April 19th, a lot of horrific stuff has happens and I’d like to skip that this year. So, I’m skipping my birthday and I hope everyone can respect that in light of all of the bad shit that happens in the world these days.

Dramatic?

Not really. Let’s review.

  • April 19, 1775 – It was the Shot Heard Round the World and that didn’t really work out well. War, in my humble opinion, never does. (BUT, that was a long time ago; it was a one time thing, and I wasn’t alive. It has no bearing on present day life. Right? WRONG.)
  • April 19, 1993 – The FBI’s siege on the Waco Compound leaves 76 dead. I was at work, getting ready to celebrate.
  • April 19, 1995 – The Oklahoma City Bombing kills 168 people, including children. Way too many children. I was sitting at a tanning salon waiting to get my tan on before heading out to celebrate.
  • April 20, 1999 (OK, it’s too close not to mention) – A mass shooting at Columbine High School leaves 15 dead. I was hung over from celebrating the night before.

So, here’s the thing. Other than the first one (come’on, I’m not that old), I’ve lived through these events. On my birthday. I’m not trying to make this, the mass loss of life, about me. All I’m trying to say is that maybe if we skip this day, my annual day of celebration, nothing bad will happen. Let’s skip today. Let’s skip the violence and ugliness in the world. At least for one day; let’s make today that day so that we can possibly break the chain. It’s a bad day in history that I don’t care to celebrate.

So, I removed my birthday from Facebook. I removed it from my calendar. We aren’t celebrating. Instead, we’ll remember the many loses of life that happened, horrifically and needlessly, on this day in history, and we’ll celebrate the lives they lived instead.

Not your typical “Happy Birthday to Me” post, but this is not your typical day in history. Today, let’s celebrate being the change and do something about this fearful world we live in for our children’s sakes, shall we?

Happy Calm Focused: A WAHM’s Best Friend

When life gets hectic, a mom has to turn to something for help. If you find yourself struggling with sleep, emotional control, or just an overall nervous feeling, I highly recommend trying Happy Calm Focused. The supply of Happy Calm Focused that I received to facilitate this post has been helping this WAHM stay more on task, stay in control of my emotions, and get a good night’s sleep.

Stay Calm with Happy, Calm, Focused

We all know life can get hectic and we all think, at least at times, that our lives are more overwhelming than others. I’m a full-time work from home mom of 6 kids from the ages of 25 down to 6, I’m married, and I manage my household. I cook daily, I drop the kids off at school, pick them up, deal with the chaos while taking calls from my grown children about whatever might be happening, good or bad, in their lives that day. I handle all of our finances and my husband works ridiculous hours and teaches school at night. All of this to say, I get overwhelmed, as we all do.

The Life of a SAHM: The Night I Lost My Shit #momlife

About a month ago, I realized that I wasn’t handling the stress as well as I used to. Basically, I lost my junk and it wasn’t pretty. I was losing my focus for work, home, just about everything, and tasks weren’t getting completed. I was losing my temper more than I care to admit, I wasn’t sleeping, and I was a nervous wreck more times than not. Diet and exercise just weren’t doing the trick anymore. That’s when I heard about Happy Calm Focused and decided to give it a try. I mean, it couldn’t hurt, right?

I was hoping for instant gratification, a miracle “cure” for what ailed me. That was a lofty and ridiculous hope and I knew it, so I wasn’t disappointed when I didn’t feel any changes immediately. After about 2 weeks, although I hadn’t noticed any real changes, I realized that I was feeling particularly rested, we were getting to school on time every day without drama, my to do list wasn’t nearly as unchecked at the end of the day as it had been, and I wasn’t flipping out over trivial things. I realized that I had been actually sleeping through most of the night for the first time in a long time, and although I was still feeling overwhelmed, I seemed to be handling things more calmly and rationally.

From that point on, I noticed subtle changes and I felt my old self coming back slowly. After a full month of taking HCF, I’m a calmer, more level headed, more productive person again. I find myself laughing more than crying or yelling, and I just feel BETTER. I still flip out from time to time, but that’s my nature since I’ve always been high strung and a true perfectionist. I will say that I haven’t changed anything else about my lifestyle. I still eat my vegetarian diet and exercise daily, and all of my tasks are still the same as they were before, so the only thing I can attribute to this change in my mood, my overall well being, is HCF.

If you find yourself struggling with sleep, emotional control, or just an overall nervous feeling, I highly recommend trying HCF. To find out more about this natural miracle “drug”, like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. Here’s to a calmer, happier, more focused life for both you and I!