Aging with Grace Archives - Insanity Is Not An Option

Raising a Tween Girl is Hard, Y’all!

So your daughter’s a tween and you’re ready to pull your hair out. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry. Unfortunately, it’s totally normal! Mom of 6 here to share some lessons (warnings?) you need to know about raising a tween girl!

When did she become a tween?!?

If you’re like me, you’re not sure how it happened. One day your sweet, adorable, innocent baby girl woke up with a mouth full of sass and your whole world changed. And it sure as hell wasn’t for the better! As the mother of six (four of them girls), I’ve been through this before – although not to the level my Bug has taken this phase. I’m here to share a few tips for saving your ever-loving sanity until it all passes. Yes, it passes. Pinky swear!

Encourage her to enjoy her youth!

Remember that time your tween turned 12? Yes, the epitome of tweendom. Stuck smack dab in between being a little girl and a full-fledge teen? Yea, that birthday! Kylee turned 12 in September. She felt she was too old for a party. Didn’t think the cake and candle lighting really suited her maturity level. Surprise gifts are for babies; gift cards are better suited for tweens, of course. All of those things – every single one of them – are for babies. You know what? I didn’t listen (I rarely do when it’s for the better good).

I sent her on her way with her older sister, and her dad and I decorated her entire room in Paris-themed decor (note: I respected her desire to travel one day, but still did the whole surprise thing). She was thrilled when she got home!

I invited her BFF to come over for dinner, cake, and spend the night. It was a welcome surprise!

I ordered the unicorn cake, paid way too much for it, and the smile on her face was worth every penny. She still loves unicorns – so do I – and I just want to encourage her to enjoy the magical things in life as long as she can before this whole ridiculous world tries to cut her down as I know it will.

Not what you say, how you say it!

I need for you to let this one sink in. Say it with me…it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it! This goes for both of you…every day…all the time. Raising a tween girl is hard, y’all. So, so hard.

When that sassy mouth opens, you just never know what’s going to come out. Whether it’s something a teacher said at school today, an outfit gone wrong, a ponytail that just won’t go up exactly right (this one causes MELT DOWNS in my house), it’s not what she’s saying that is always the issue, it’s typically HOW she’s saying it. Your tween (like mine) can tell you about a great accomplishment and make you walk away feeling like you just got run over by a bus. Because…attitude.

Be her biggest fan!

Remind her that you are there to share in her joys, accomplishments, fears, successes, and failures – that you’re her biggest fan. Then remind her that if she’d tell you all of those things in her non-bitch voice (probably not the best words to use!), you’d be more attentive because we all really want to be attentive and involved in our kids’ lives no matter what!

But the same goes for you (yes, mom and dad, I’m eyeballing you!). Just because your tween daughter has a sassy mouth does NOT mean you can retaliate with more sass than she could ever muster (because, let’s face it, we’ve got all the experience). First, let me point out that it’s totally acceptable to roll your eyes – I, myself, am a master. It’s totally not OK to sass back. I’m as guilty as the rest, but truly have never seen a positive outcome from our sass-fests and so, I try to avoid them. Instead, I walk away until she gets the hint. I take her phone. No, you can’t go to your friends house. I do all the things an adult should do until she relents. We both win and it typically results in laughter and silliness – both of which are my favorite things to enjoy with my tween!

Promote positivity!

Whether your daughter is into sports, cheer, singing, dancing, theater, leadership…it doesn’t matter. If it’s a positive force in her life, encourage it! Make yourself available. I know you’re busy – we all are these days – but you can be there to get her to practice on time, to cheer her on, to just show you care. That goes a long way; I know from experience.

In high school, I cheered. I loved to cheer. We had buses back then to drive us home from practice so my parents didn’t need to be involved there (lucky bastards!). I will tell you though, although I had very loving and supportive parents, I can count on one hand the number of times they came to watch me cheer. I never told them it hurt to look up and not see them, but it did. When I walk into the stadium where Bug is cheering, I make sure I walk right by her and wave before taking a seat. She always smiles the biggest smile. That gesture can move mountains during a very uncertain time in their lives. Just be present! It matters!

Embrace her individuality!

You do you, Boo! That’s kind of overused by now, but it totally applies when you’re raising a tween girl. Encourage her to be unique. It’s important for girls at this age to “fit in”, but they sure as hell don’t have to be Stepford kids and it’s our job to help them understand that. My Kylee is unique, very much so, and she’s learned to accept the person that she is and actually love herself. She has her moments of doubt, but it’s in those moments that I make sure I’m there, encouraging my unicorn, and guiding her into her next magical phase in life.

Best parenting award goes to…

Am I saying I’m the world’s best parent and I have this tween parenting thing down? Hell, no! I fail at the above from time and time, and I get so frustrated with my daughter that I wonder why I ever decided to have so many damned kids. But then I look at her and I realize that although she’s going through this difficult phase and she’s stuck between a woman and a child – so to speak – she’s doing OK. She’s got A’s and B’s in school (go Bug!), she’s a cheerleader and she’s good at it, she’s first chair bassoon in the school band, and her teachers really seem to like her. That’s how I measure success. So am I the world’s best parent? Not even close. Am I doing well raising a tween girl? You bet your ass I am!

Good luck to you and yours. Believe me, the years will pass, you’ll both forget how incredibly trying this brief period was, and believe it or not, you’ll become best friends again some day. It all happens in the blink of an eye. Enjoy every second and for heaven’s sake…DON’T BLINK!

On Turning a Half a Century Old

By Christy 3 Comments

Upon turning a half a century old, I have a lot to reflect on. Some good, some bad, but all valuable in its own right. Does life really begin at 50, or is it basically just the beginning of the end?

I remember, vividly, the day I turned 25. I was depressed…so depressed. I knew, as the not-so-happily married mom of one almost four-year-old daughter with a “real” job and real bills, that I was no longer a kid anymore as soon as that clock struck midnight. I remember the week leading up to that day, crying regularly, knowing that day was the “beginning of the end” for me. I remember staying up until the clock turned, just to see if I felt different. I totally did. I felt grown, I didn’t feel like I was in a good place, and I was depressed as hell!

That year, my mom helped my then husband and friends in my neighborhood host a party for me. By host, I mean she basically planned and paid for it. She was worried about me. We still call it Suicide Watch 25 because it was THAT BAD in my mind. So bad. I really wanted to be a Toys ‘R Us Kid forever. The party happened, it was fun, and obviously, I didn’t commit suicide (because that would have been just a bit too dramatic, even for me). Life went on.

In fact, life’s gone on for me for an additional 25 years. The ups, the downs, the MANY more kids, the divorces, the marriages, the job changes. I’ve handled them all like an “adult” because that’s what I am and it’s what I’ve been since that day 25 years ago.

So, 25 years later (THE WHAT? I cannot be 50), I’m still trying to figure out this adulting thing. I’m still depressed about it, at times. I still long for that day, the one that lasted for a full 24 hours before that clock struck midnight, 25 years and one day ago.

My husband says I should wear this age with a badge of honor. A lot of people “don’t make it” here (well thanks, babe, that’s depressing). Not many have raised as many kids, have accomplished what I have, still look as good as I do (his rose-colored glasses are so refreshing to me, y’all), and a lot of people still don’t have their shit as together now as I did back then.

Sure, easy for him to say since his badge is 10 years younger than mine. Whatever. Grain of salt, but I love his sentiment and I definitely try to take his words, and sentiment, to heart.

But still, I’m 50 y’all. FIFTY. A half a century. I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life. I’ve seen global walls come down, and global walls go back up (thanks good and bad U.S. admins). I’ve seen my babies be born and grow, I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve seen failing health in family members, and I’ve witnessed the birth of my third generation. Literally, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain, I’ve seen sunny days…OH, you know.

My life’s been a good life. The wait for the rollercoaster always seems long and annoying, but it’s always worth the ride. Sure, I still get as depressed as I did 25 years ago about taking this adulting thing to a new level, but (other than the wrinkles) I don’t think I’d trade any experience (good or bad), any bit of knowledge I’ve obtained, or any nook and cranny of this long, crazy life for anything in the world. I could ditch the heartache (that’s a song for another time), I could ditch the aches and pains that catch up with you from being a tomboy on the playground in elementary school, a cheerleader in the 80’s, the ex-wife of an abusive crackhead, the mom of four kids by c-section and two kids by marriage (step parenting is *super fun*), but I would NOT be the person I am today if I skipped any of those stages in my life.

I’m a pretty freaking awesome person, if I do say so myself.

Do I wish I were a younger me? You bet your ass I do. I was gorgeous back then, but in a way, I’m more gorgeous today (I just have to be a little more inventive when I take selfies for you to see that on the outside). Do I wish my clock weren’t ticking so quickly? We all do. I still have littles to raise, a husband to care for and love, a family that means SO much to me, and work goals I need to accomplish.

Am I ready to give up? Hell no! I’m middle aged in my mind. I watch Good Morning America, people live well into their 100’s. It’s my turn to do this 25 year old depression again, and then again…again.

So, if you see me today, know that I’m fragile. I’m dealing with half a century of emotion…of love, of joy, of experience, and of pain. Understand that I might not be “myself” today, but tomorrow, when that clock strikes midnight again, we’re all cool. Be gentle with my heart. Today, as odd as it as it sounds, I’m feeling 25 again and I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here in this next chapter of my life.

Today, I turn 50, and I’m just not certain how I feel about turning a half a century old, you know?

The Birthday Jinx: On This Day In History

By Christy 5 Comments

On this day in history, April 19th, a lot of horrific events have happened over the years. Events no one wants to associate with celebration, certainly not this birthday jinx. Tragic events. If you share a birthday with this historically jinxed day, do you celebrate, or hide and hope that nothing else bad happens?

Fact, today is my birthday. I’ve been somewhat in hiding all day trying to avoid the birthday jinx. This has nothing (OK, almost nothing) to do with my age. I don’t want the birthday jinx to hit again. On this day in history, April 19th, a lot of horrific stuff has happens and I’d like to skip that this year. So, I’m skipping my birthday and I hope everyone can respect that in light of all of the bad shit that happens in the world these days.

Dramatic?

Not really. Let’s review.

April 19, 1775 – It was the Shot Heard Round the World and that didn’t really work out well. War, in my humble opinion, never does. (BUT, that was a long time ago; it was a one time thing, and I wasn’t alive. It has no bearing on present day life. Right? WRONG.)
April 19, 1993 – The FBI’s siege on the Waco Compound leaves 76 dead. I was at work, getting ready to celebrate.
April 19, 1995 – The Oklahoma City Bombing kills 168 people, including children. Way too many children. I was sitting at a tanning salon waiting to get my tan on before heading out to celebrate.
April 20, 1999 (OK, it’s too close not to mention) – A mass shooting at Columbine High School leaves 15 dead. I was hung over from celebrating the night before.

So, here’s the thing. Other than the first one (come’on, I’m not that old), I’ve lived through these events. On my birthday. I’m not trying to make this, the mass loss of life, about me. All I’m trying to say is that maybe if we skip this day, my annual day of celebration, nothing bad will happen. Let’s skip today. Let’s skip the violence and ugliness in the world. At least for one day; let’s make today that day so that we can possibly break the chain. It’s a bad day in history that I don’t care to celebrate.

So, I removed my birthday from Facebook. I removed it from my calendar. We aren’t celebrating. Instead, we’ll remember the many loses of life that happened, horrifically and needlessly, on this day in history, and we’ll celebrate the lives they lived instead.

Not your typical “Happy Birthday to Me” post, but this is not your typical day in history. Today, let’s celebrate being the change and do something about this fearful world we live in for our children’s sakes, shall we?