Insanity Is Not An Option

Welcome to the Asylum!

Divorce, Denial, Mental Breakdowns

By Leave a Comment

There are many stages one goes through when venturing into a divorce. From relief, to denial, to a nervous breakdown, the emotions run as deep as they would over the death of a loved one. Basically, it’s the same thing. They were in your life every day, they’re gone…every day. There’s a way to eventually make your way back to healing and hope, I know, but I’m not there yet!

There are many stages one goes through when venturing into a divorce. From relief, to denial, to a nervous breakdown, the emotions run as deep as they would over death of a loved one. Basically, it's the same thing. They were in your life every day, they're gone...every day. There's a way to eventually make your way back to healing and hope!

From Soulmates to Strangers…

We used to be the life of the party, we used to be the ones who they wished they were. It’s like there’s always an empty space, those memories that nobody can erase. Of how bright we burned, well now it hurts, but it’s true. When they think of me, they think of you.

~ Lady A

Country music is a resounding theme in my life right now. Hell, it always has been so why would things change just because my life is seemingly falling apart around me. Or is it? I just don’t know yet because I haven’t dealt with this whole “divorce” thing yet and I’m not sure I’m ready to. I have small children (OK, they aren’t babies, but have you ever dealt with a family breaking up with a 10 and 12 year old? If not, don’t judge. It’s hard, y’all). I have a feeling this is going to be incredibly hard/emotional for me to write, but I’ve fielded so many questions, mostly out of love and concern, I guess it’s time I write our current chapter. It’s entitled, we didn’t make it and it’s time to cope.

1. Family today, gone tomorrow.

There are many stages one goes through when venturing into a divorce. From relief, to denial, to a nervous breakdown, the emotions run as deep as they would over the death of a loved one. Basically, it's the same thing. They were in your life every day, they're gone...every day. There's a way to eventually make your way back to healing and hope, I know, but I'm not there yet!

Maybe I was never meant to be married or have kids. I mean, I thought I was. According to this picture, looks like I took the leap when I was 12 (for the record, I was 27 here). I honestly thought I was pretty good at the whole thing. Married, cooking dinner every night, working, taking care of my babies, raising a family in as much peace and harmony as I could manage. But it failed and there I was, alone with two little girls – and I mean little, they were 5 and 1 – all alone. Alone and together. So, maybe I wasn’t meant to be a wife, but I sure as hell was meant to be a mommy and I was damned good at it.

It’s what I hoped and thought anyway. Problem was solved. Never marry again. No more kids. It went like that for some years. Just me and my girls until I met a man and his kids, we all became one, had two more, created a family of eight, and it all fell apart again…16 years later.

So, if I got through it then and started over just fine, why can’t I face it all now? You might be asking yourself that question because I sure as hell know it’s the one I go to bed with on my mind every night.

2. Maybe it hasn’t sunk in.

There are many stages one goes through when venturing into a divorce. From relief, to denial, to a nervous breakdown, the emotions run as deep as they would over the death of a loved one. Basically, it's the same thing. They were in your life every day, they're gone...every day. There's a way to eventually make your way back to healing and hope, I know, but I'm not there yet!

Moving is hard work, especially with a 10 and 12 year old. I haven’t had time to let this all sink in. You have to get all of your stuff, all of theirs. You need to make sure they have what they need to truly feel as much at home as they can when they’re all but forced out of their own home.

Let’s be clear, people (and here’s a pain point), I was told to stay, keep the kids there, but I needed to be OK if he had a “fuck buddy” in town so he got more “ass” during the week and if I wasn’t OK with that, we weren’t OK. So, we weren’t OK.

So much going on with moving and getting the kids registered for school and acclimated. Maybe I’m just in denial. I don’t know, but those pre-cheer tryouts take a lot of time and this massive budget we’re on…rough and time consuming. So I choose to focus there.

3. Financial Ruins.

There are many stages one goes through when venturing into a divorce. From relief, to denial, to a nervous breakdown, the emotions run as deep as they would over the death of a loved one. Basically, it's the same thing. They were in your life every day, they're gone...every day. There's a way to eventually make your way back to healing and hope, I know, but I'm not there yet!

Basically…. Send. Money. Now. Please.

We’re pretty much in financial ruins. At least Kylee can still pick flowers for me, because, you know, I still deserve them!

Once upon a time, a once stable household with a healthy savings accounts decided it was OK (well, one of us did, the other conceded because that’s what “we” always did) to pay to bring a million people to our then comfortable (and happy) household for Christmas (more on that later!). We foot the bill, he took the short hours, it hurt us financially, but we would recover. We always did! Of course we did. Until we didn’t.

At the end of this (not so lovely – OK, who am I kidding, it was painful AF!) visit, my “husband” had been convinced that I was a “drain” on him. I frivolously wasted all of HIS HARD-EARNED MONEY (what was that I was making AND saving again?). He was better off without me. This guy was making bank (I wish he shared that bank with me!). He could have anyone and anything he wanted. Then, with the blink of an eye, a wave of an evil wand, he had nothing but an empty house, a paid-off truck, and a bunch of utility bills.

We never recouped those losses, we’re still sharing an account so I can get us out of the hole they created. Our incomes combined. A household full of bills built on love, now two households full of bills built on broken promises, on the same income. Good luck, Charlie!

4. The mid-life crisis mantra.

There are many stages one goes through when venturing into a divorce. From relief, to denial, to a nervous breakdown, the emotions run as deep as they would over the death of a loved one. Basically, it's the same thing. They were in your life every day, they're gone...every day. There's a way to eventually make your way back to healing and hope, I know, but I'm not there yet!

He said he needs a break.

He needed to start “living my life for me instead of everyone else for a change”. Apparently, he was “working a job I hate just to provide for my family”. He was “living in a house he agreed to help buy only because the family wanted it.” He was basically adulting and apparently, when you hit the mid-life slump, that’s too much pressure. So time for a break (y’all, I can’t make this shit up…wanna see the text messages?).

But let’s be clear…as much as there is no crying in baseball, there is no break taking in marriage. That is a bond, a life-long commitment, and you just can’t take a break and think you’re going to pick up in a year where you left off.

This isn’t high school (middle school?), things don’t work this way. It’s all, or nothing. He chose break, so the kids and I took off to find our something, whatever that might be. And be assured, again, just like baseball, there’s been no crying (openly anyway).

5. No mental breakdown today!

There are many stages one goes through when venturing into a divorce. From relief, to denial, to a nervous breakdown, the emotions run as deep as they would over the death of a loved one. Basically, it’s the same thing. They were in your life every day, they’re gone…every day. There’s a way to eventually make your way back to healing and hope, I know, but I’m not there yet!

Everyone, being as kind hearted as all of my true friends are (and believe me, you always find out who your friends are during rough times!) is telling me it’s OK to breakdown. Let it out. Have a good cry. Have a pity party even. Just lose a little of my shit for a little while, then pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. But it’s not time for that yet.

I have a 10 and a 12 year old trying to acclimate to new schools, trying to make new friends, trying out for cheer (Bug), and trying to truly fit in this time (Bubby). They have mini meltdowns at least every other day, and they are entitled to those. I need to let them, no, encourage them, to get those feelings out. They left the only school district they’ve ever known, the only town they’ve ever known, and they left upper middle class suburbia for an apartment complex where their mother literally sleeps in a closet and a school full of people they don’t even know. That’s rough, y’all. Their meltdowns first. We have months. I’ll catch up later.

6. Cheers or tears…how are you?

There are many stages one goes through when venturing into a divorce. From relief, to denial, to a nervous breakdown, the emotions run as deep as they would over the death of a loved one. Basically, it's the same thing. They were in your life every day, they're gone...every day. There's a way to eventually make your way back to healing and hope, I know, but I'm not there yet!

I wish I could give a definitive answer here, but I can’t. Some days, I’m good…like super good and super charged and ready to take on whatever else life has left to throw at me. Others, I’m a little blue. There are days that I worry more than I really do anything else. Some days, just some (mostly at night), a cloud of loneliness falls over me that I never expected. We’d been drifting apart – understandably so since he had turned into an unreasonable oaf who had become angry, bitter, unjust, violent, and impossible to get along with, so I in turn became a bitch box. We were spending time apart – but we always came back to the same house, our house, at the end of the evening and we were always together then.

I can tell you that I don’t jump every time a door slams. I don’t hurt or shake uncontrollably when I hear a loud noise. Wondering “who got hurt” when I hear a thump is now a thing of the past. Things have settled, and for that, I’m grateful.

7. Xmas will suck.

There are many stages one goes through when venturing into a divorce. From relief, to denial, to a nervous breakdown, the emotions run as deep as they would over the death of a loved one. Basically, it's the same thing. They were in your life every day, they're gone...every day. There's a way to eventually make your way back to healing and hope, I know, but I'm not there yet!

The weirdest part of all of this is that I’m no longer a Christmas person. I no longer believe. I mean, I suppose in the moment, the spirit of the season, I’ll feel some of the magic, but the love I’ve had for this holiday since as long as I can remember is gone.

This past Christmas was miserable. I spent it with a bunch of people who don’t even like each other who were talking about each other – and mostly about me and my kids. It was when my marriage ended. I don’t want to go into any more detail on this because the people who pushed this are dead to me as is the true magic of Christmas. And I’m sad.

Everything’s gonna be alright!

So to everyone who’s been asking (thank you!), we’re basically fine. He’s living his own world (and boy howdy is it a doozy) and we’re living ours. There are ups and downs, mistakes, milestones, triumphs, and choices. But we’re holding our own and that’s all anyone could ask. That’s all I’ve ever asked. Do I wish things could have turned out differently?

You bet your ass!

Do I think everything happens for a reason?

Of course I do.

If you’re a praying person, send some our way. If you just believe in good mojo, we’ll take it. Got heaps of sparkles to spare? Send ’em our way. We’ve got this, but we can use all the help we can get! Muah…much love to all of you for your support.

An Unlikely Casualty of Bullying

By 5 Comments

As a mom, it’s hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

As a mom, it's hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

An Unlikely Casualty of Bullying

Our experience with bullies in today’s middle school has been life altering. Literally. There’s been an unlikely casualty here, and although I’m fortunate it’s not a tangible human casualty, my daughter is forever changed, I fear. Before you go thinking I’m being a little overly dramatic again, let’s define casualty.

cas·u·al·ty (noun):

  • a person killed or injured in a war or accident.
  • a person or thing badly affected by an event or situation.

My Bug falls heavily under that second definition. She’s different. Everything about her has changed. She’s no longer just a bad ass, she’s borderline bad, and she’s completely shut down.

As a mom, it's hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

From Cheers to Tears!

Although Kylee has always had an “attitude” issue, she was a very cheerful kid who sang, danced, and took over every situation whenever she could just to be the star of the show. The start of middle school was a huge win for our Bug. She was on the cheer squad, in band, getting fantastic grades, and all of the teachers just thought she was a doll. She was the quintessential student and she had a huge group of “friends”.

Then the bullying started. One incident after another. Some mild mannered that we worked through, some absolutely blood curdling. But with each instance, I watched my daughter change. With each mean word, slap, threat, lack of action (and actual bullying) by some administrators…she just kept changing. She was shutting down.

My daughter was shutting down.

As a mom, it's hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

The Day My Daughter Changed

I can’t say I recall the exact day, the exact moment, that Kylee became a different person, but I can say that her entire personality is an unlikely casualty of bullying. I’ve been supportive, I’ve been at the school, I’ve documented everything, I’ve encouraged my daughter regularly, but she’s different.

Whatever day it was, or series of days, I’ve watched my daughter slowly die inside and a new person has emerged. This person is not as kind or loving as the last one was; not even close. She’s no longer very talkative, she fights with everyone at home, she rolls her eyes at her teachers, she complains about changing for cheer (if she goes to practice at all), she stopped bringing her bassoon home to practice. She doesn’t sing like she used to, she doesn’t dance a whole lot.

Her new “friend” group is actually the last round of bullies. Yes, she’s with them now since she couldn’t stand strongly against them, since the administrators labeled her “one of them”. I mean, if she has to go to ISS every time she speaks up against one of them, she might as well be friends with them. Of course I understand, but I don’t condone it. She hasn’t (and will NOT) hurt anyone, but she’ll slowly roll with this group of girls until she’s in the wrong place at the wrong time. She’s afraid to find a new friend group since they all “turn on her anyway” so she’s settled here rather than being alone.

What would you do?

I, personally, would rather be alone and I’ve told her that repeatedly, but I can’t be there every minute of every day. I can only be there to pick her up every time she falls. And I will.

In the meantime, I’m here watching over her as best I can, protecting her every step of the way, and watching her slowly die inside while I stand helplessly by. No words I can say, no hug, no anything will erase what she’s gone through. I just hope one day in the near future she realizes that her whole life doesn’t have to change, she doesn’t have to change, and she’s back to the feisty little bad ass that I love so much!

Right now, unfortunately, her psyche is an unlikely casualty of bullying and I miss her.

When Your Daughter Gets Bullied

By 13 Comments

It’s an ugly world that we’re raising kids in these days. But what do you do when your daughter gets bullied in the 5th grade? Not a little picking, we’re talking full-blown threats to her livelihood. Our experience with bullies in today’s middle school.

It's an ugly world that we're raising kids in these days. But what do you do when your daughter gets bullied in the 5th grade? Not a little picking, we're talking full-blown threats to her livelihood. Our experience with bullies in today's middle school.

I always thought…not my Bug. Who would bully her? I mean, she’s a bad ass so everyone should be scared of her, right? Totally wrong because she’s not a bully…just a bad ass (I say that with love). There’s a difference.

Bad Ass vs Bully: There’s a Difference

A bad ass kid, like my Bug, just does her own thing. She’s not overly nice to others most times, does and says what she wants, and she doesn’t always fit in. She doesn’t usually care. The kid talks back often, refuses to listen (even if it’s for her own good), but she hurts no one really, at least not in a threatening way.

A bully, on the other hand, is a whole different (disgusting) breed. They thrive on drama, chaos, and instilling fear in others. We all know, as adults, that a bully is just a weak person who enjoys intimidating others, but let’s get back to bullying in the 5th grade. A 5th grader (or 6th, 7th, 8th…oh, really through adulthood) bully cares only about himself. The adrenaline rush they get (I suppose) from preying on the fears and vulnerability of others is what fuels their disgraceful fire and they’ll stop at nothing short of a scared fellow human, a brawl, or unfortunately in our case, a small-scale riot. Bullies are assholes.

Bad ass kids are confused and hormonal. Again, there’s a difference! Neither is OK if you’re a parent, but one is understandable; the other is NOT.

Let’s Talk about Bug’s Bully…

Well, let’s back up first. The bully thing all started when she entered the 5th grade, middle school in our parts. I mean, there were issues in elementary school, of course, but nothing that brought blood-curdling fear into my body and mind. That started here, this year, in the 5th grade. I may be saying in the 5th grade a lot, because that’s important. We all hear of crime every day and as sad as it is, that’s the world we live in. But that crime comes out of poverty, ignorance, adulthood…right? WRONG! Apparently it happens in 5th grade now, and I’ve had enough!

It's an ugly world that we're raising kids in these days. But what do you do when your daughter gets bullied in the 5th grade? Not a little picking, we're talking full-blown threats to her livelihood. Our experience with bullies in today's middle school.

Where it all began…

There was a girl in gym class who didn’t like my Bug. I mean, I get it, we don’t all have to like everyone. Dodgeball was a target session against my daughter. Basketball games were a game of dodgeball for my daughter. It just didn’t stop. We went to the office and reported it. It stopped. Not sure if that girl got in trouble or not, don’t care, but it stopped. Whew!

Fast forward two weeks…Bug had an issue with a kid in gym class. He’d been unkind to her all through elementary school (which I knew) and it escalated one day at gym class (notice a theme yet?). He picked, he prodded, she SLAPPED him. OMG…my kid was the bully. But no, she fought back, the school recognized it, she got ISS. She did the crime, she did the time. I supported their decision. The end, or so I thought.

Fast forward yet another week…Bug was now labeled as a “fighter”. It spiraled. The girl that had SPENT THE NIGHT at my house that Saturday, the one that had been friends with Bug since the 2nd grade…yea, that one…got mad at Bug in the hallway over a hug. A HUG by both of their admission. In gym class that day (come on now…you see where the issue is here, right?), this girl…bully…approached Bug. She threw up a hand, a fist, and swung. Bug ducked. The bully provoked her with “hit me, just hit me first so I can hit you and get this over with”. Bug refused (good Bug!) and the kids, the bully’s thugs, started chanting to provoke a fight! The gym teacher gave both girls in-class ISS, the vice principal talked to them. That was it. So we thought.

The next morning, Bug sat far away from the girl she formerly called friend. Didn’t work. Her big sister (yes, 7th graders can seem very intimidating and a lot bigger to 5th graders) approached her and said,

Leave my fucking sister alone. Just wait until I catch you in the bathroom alone because I’m gonna FUCK YOU UP!

Let that sink in.

She said it low, but it was in a room full of students and administrators. She wasn’t scared of getting in trouble. She was bullying my daughter. In the adult world, that’s a terroristic threat punishable by law. In the world of the middle school bullies, it’s nothin’ but a thang.

I seriously need for you to let that sink in!

I got a text from my daughter within five seconds of the incident. My bad ass kid was scared, as was I. Have you seen the Lifetime movies where one high school girl (they haven’t made one about middle school YET) gets mad at another so she gets a group of friends together and they take the other girl in the bathroom and start to beat her just to scare her, but things go too far and that girl hits her head on the sink and dies then everyone’s sorry? Yea, I’ve seen them too and that’s all I saw in my head that very second I got the message from my daughter.

Might sound a little dramatic, but is it really? Not in my head. Not on the news!

It's an ugly world that we're raising kids in these days. But what do you do when your daughter gets bullied in the 5th grade? Not a little picking, we're talking full-blown threats to her livelihood. Our experience with bullies in today's middle school.

What to Do When Your Daughter Gets Bullied?

My reaction was to immediately call the school and insist (NO I DO NOT CARE THAT THEY ARE IN A MORNING MEETING) that I speak with someone immediately. I got the counselor. Very kind, very understanding, very empathetic, but her daughter hadn’t just been threatened. She would do something RIGHT AWAY and call me right back. Seconds turned into minutes, turned into hours, turned into a return call. She’d “handled” it. The bully and her bully sister have a rough life (I know this!) and they’re sorry. Of course they’re sorry they got caught! You know, getting caught for telling someone you’ll FUCK THEM UP is a big deal.

The girls can never speak to Bug again. Did I want to push ISS? No, what good does that do? Oh nothing you say…yea, me too, but my daughter “served her time”. Whatever. Stop the bullying!

That wasn’t the last instance. New girl, different day, same gym class, fat lip from a slap. The thing is, bullying, threatening (KILLING) in schools, even middle schools, these days is a thing. How did we get to this place? How did we let this world break like this? When, where did it happen and how in the hell do we just make it stop?

My daughter doesn’t deserve to be bullied, neither does anyone else’s daughter or son. What are we going to do? What do you do when your daughter or son gets bullied? Bug’s a very different person now than she was when she entered 5th grade. It’s heartbreaking and I need to do more; we all need to do more!