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Coping with Life-Altering Events and Changes

How do you cope with life-altering events? Do you take them head on? Do you avoid them all together? Do you quantify them because some are just worse than others? I’m struggling right now with a life-altering event that trumps all others before this one.

Some events are life altering. Birthdays, marriage, birth of a child, divorce, job change, house purchase, financial woes, moves, and broken bones. In my lifetime, I’ve been through all of those life-altering events and some are just easier to cope with, to move on from or rejoice in, than others.

Life altering. It’s all in your state of mind, right? I mean, I’ve been through most of the events I mentioned above multiple times.

Birthdays. I’ve had a few. Each is significant. Each is life altering. Each brings new challenges, but I embrace them because it’s just another year. Another wrinkle. Another day that I’m thankful that I’ve been afforded. Some are not so lucky.

Marriage. I’ve been there a time or two (or three…see divorce…I’ve been there too). It’s life altering for sure. Those men folk can be messy, they stink, and they’re stubborn. But when a marriage is better than it is worse, altering your life is truly worth it. If it’s not, you say good bye and deal with another life altering event.

But let’s face it, if the marriage was really that bad, if it was worth giving up on, it’s not that hard to say good bye and change your life. It might seem like it in the short term, but in the long run (shorter than any other recovery time), altering your life, for the better, was the right thing to do.

The birth of a child. OK, I’ve done that a bunch. Always life altering. Always worth it. The end.

Job change. Ain’t nothing but a thing. It happens by choice, or not. But it happens. We all deal with it, we move on, we find bigger and better things. Life altering? Yes. A bad thing? Not usually.

House purchase, financial woes, and moves. They all kind of go hand in hand. Money can make or break you. I’ve chosen to let it make me, whether good or bad, I always rise above and move on. I’m in a good place now financially, I’m in a nice home, life is good.

But broken arms? Those are different kinds of life altering changes all together. It’s something that’s hard to explain. I’m not talking about falling out of a tree when you’re 7, wearing a cast for 8 weeks, and going on about your life kind of broken arms. I’m talking about broken. Like, life is painful broken.

In 2003, I made a rookie move for someone in my 30’s. I attempted a cartwheel. In a hotel corridor. By a pool. On a wet floor. Slip. Fall. Ouch. A broken bone or two, a blown elbow, one surgery, some therapy, almost good as new 12 years later. Life altering? Yes. But I’ve dealt with the pain, the popping, the slight ROM loss, like a champ. My life has moved on and my left-handedness has won out. I win. Take that life altering event!

But in September of last year, 9/4/15 to be exact, I experienced the first life-altering event of my entire life that has me wondering what my new normal will be for the rest of my life. Sound dramatic? It is. When I slipped on that day, when that unsuspecting and harmless person stepped on my flip flop as I tried to take a step and I lost my footing and grabbed a chair and broke my arm in 6 separate places and shattered my elbow in a zillion pieces? That day changed my normal. That day altered my life for real.

Let me explain. These days, almost 5 months after that life-altering event, my normal is a hidden sob while trying to be normal. One day, I was cooking meals, cleaning my house, taking pictures, running a successful site, taking care of my husband and my kids, and going on as normal as an abnormal person does. The next, I was trying to figure out how to move again. How to be “normal”.

My arm really doesn’t move. Every meal I cook, every can I open, every click of a camera button…hurts. Yes, one click of a camera button sends my arm…my body…into fits of pain that I can’t explain. Fits of pain that leave me sleepless most nights. Hell, even Bubby’s huggie time hurts. My 7-year-old son approaches me for a hug and I wince. It will hurt like hell to bend that arm just to hug him, it will bring tears to my eyes, it will leave me swollen and incapable of doing my job in the morning. But I hug him anyway. I have to hug him!

This is my new normal.

Sex. Something I don’t discuss here often. It’s something that hurts. Have you ever had sex without moving your arms? You might not notice because you can move them normally, but you move them. Although I enjoy it, although I know my husband needs it, it hurts too.

Everything hurts.

Making lunches for my kids for school? That hurts. Try to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with an arm that doesn’t bend. It hurts.

It all hurts.

I could go on. I could say that my life, my pain, is so much worse than everyone else’s life or pain. IT IS NOT. I can walk. I can talk. I can hear. I’m alive. I’m thankful.

But this life altering event has the best of me. I’m not sure if I should deal with my new normal and give up on recovery or if I should attempt to go into month five of therapy, more surgery, and hope that my new normal will go back to my old normal. I just don’t know.

For the first time in my life, I’m not dealing with a life-altering change very well. I’m tired of pain. I’m tired of inadequacy. I’m tired of feeling like less of a person. I’m just…tired. I want to be “normal” again, whatever that is. I want to bend my arm, dammit. I want it to stop hurting when I try to bend my arm. I want to be able to cook a meal, take a photo, hug my son, and make love to my husband…without pain…again.

Is that too much to ask?

I’ve got to push on. I have to go to therapy again. I have to…be normal. I have to learn to deal with this life-altering event like I have with all of the life-altering events that have come before it. I have to…be normal again.

I don’t want this to be my new normal. I do NOT want this to be my new normal. How do you cope with life-altering events? Do you roll with unfortunate changes or do you figure a way to make the change? I need strength, support, and encouragement right now, so I really welcome your advice!

Can you help to encourage me to be “normal” again?

Happy Calm Focused: A WAHM’s Best Friend

By Christy Leave a Comment

When life gets hectic, a mom has to turn to something for help. If you find yourself struggling with sleep, emotional control, or just an overall nervous feeling, I highly recommend trying Happy Calm Focused. The supply of Happy Calm Focused that I received to facilitate this post has been helping this WAHM stay more on task, stay in control of my emotions, and get a good night’s sleep.

We all know life can get hectic and we all think, at least at times, that our lives are more overwhelming than others. I’m a full-time work from home mom of 6 kids from the ages of 25 down to 6, I’m married, and I manage my household. I cook daily, I drop the kids off at school, pick them up, deal with the chaos while taking calls from my grown children about whatever might be happening, good or bad, in their lives that day. I handle all of our finances and my husband works ridiculous hours and teaches school at night. All of this to say, I get overwhelmed, as we all do.

About a month ago, I realized that I wasn’t handling the stress as well as I used to. Basically, I lost my junk and it wasn’t pretty. I was losing my focus for work, home, just about everything, and tasks weren’t getting completed. I was losing my temper more than I care to admit, I wasn’t sleeping, and I was a nervous wreck more times than not. Diet and exercise just weren’t doing the trick anymore. That’s when I heard about Happy Calm Focused and decided to give it a try. I mean, it couldn’t hurt, right?

I was hoping for instant gratification, a miracle “cure” for what ailed me. That was a lofty and ridiculous hope and I knew it, so I wasn’t disappointed when I didn’t feel any changes immediately. After about 2 weeks, although I hadn’t noticed any real changes, I realized that I was feeling particularly rested, we were getting to school on time every day without drama, my to do list wasn’t nearly as unchecked at the end of the day as it had been, and I wasn’t flipping out over trivial things. I realized that I had been actually sleeping through most of the night for the first time in a long time, and although I was still feeling overwhelmed, I seemed to be handling things more calmly and rationally.

From that point on, I noticed subtle changes and I felt my old self coming back slowly. After a full month of taking HCF, I’m a calmer, more level headed, more productive person again. I find myself laughing more than crying or yelling, and I just feel BETTER. I still flip out from time to time, but that’s my nature since I’ve always been high strung and a true perfectionist. I will say that I haven’t changed anything else about my lifestyle. I still eat my vegetarian diet and exercise daily, and all of my tasks are still the same as they were before, so the only thing I can attribute to this change in my mood, my overall well being, is HCF.

If you find yourself struggling with sleep, emotional control, or just an overall nervous feeling, I highly recommend trying HCF. To find out more about this natural miracle “drug”, like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. Here’s to a calmer, happier, more focused life for both you and I!

Dear Society, Kylee is NEVER Going to Fit in Your Round Hole and It’s OK!

By Christy 10 Comments

Dear school teachers, dear school admins, dear society, I get it. She drives me crazy too. But Kylee, my Bug, is never going to fit in your round holes. Don’t force her to conform. She can’t. Although it pains me, I won’t make her. She’s not built like everyone else and that’s what makes her unique. She’s clever, she’s cunning, but she’s not cut from the same cloth that you are. Don’t make her think that she’s anything less because she’s different. She’s not less. She’s different.

Don’t get me wrong, when she’s awake, when she’s making me doubt my parenting skills, I get frustrated too. But then I step back and really look at her. I look deeply into those big blue, knowing, defiant eyes, and I see the spark. When I watch her peacefully sleep, I see her “normal”. And it’s in those moments that I know that my square peg is anything but less. She’s more. More than you’ll ever know because you don’t give her a chance. Give her rote activities and she won’t do well. Challenge her creative side and you’ll surely see her shine. No, she’ll never fit your round hole, but her square peg of a self might just make a difference in this world if you’ll just let her never-easy-to-deal-with self shine. Let my baby shine. Let her be the difficult little thing that she is now because there is amazement in those defiant eyes. They defy the world because the world doesn’t accept the square pegs. Many a square peg has created light, the telephone, and flight. Embrace the square pegs.

Stop worrying about your state’s scores and start worrying about our children. For the first 3 years of her school career, she was in advanced classes. I pulled her. She started to struggle. You know why she struggled? Because she was bored with your state standards. She was bored with your lessons. She was bored with your tests. She was tired of being a square peg that was being shoved into your round holes. I grew tired of it too.

I get it. You’re doing your job. You’re very kind. You want my daughter to conform, to be round. But if you sit down and talk to her, I mean really talk, you’ll understand that you’re making a grievous error. She’s difficult, I know, and I apologize for that. I do mandate that she conforms on a behavioral basis and you’ve all confirmed that she does. But I will not force her to conform just for the sake of testing. I embrace her square personality and I defy you to shove her in your round hole.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say, with this ridiculously long rant, is that although she frustrates me too, I “get” her. I once was that square peg being shoved in that round hole. I didn’t fit. I probably never will. In fact, I don’t want to. I love my rough, square edges, and I love hers. Leave her alone. Let her be different. Different is good. Different is not less. Different is more. She’s more than you acknowledge. She’s more. She’ll always be more. Different. Be frustrated, be annoyed, be angry even, it’s OK. But remember that “different” leads to great things. She’ll be great if we just foster her right to be different. She’s not hurting you, don’t hurt her. Don’t shove her in that round hole. Just don’t.