parental problems Archives - Insanity Is Not An Option

2020 Word of the Year: Flourish

What’s your 2020 word of the year? 2019 was harsh and unkind in our world. In 2020, we choose to FLOURISH! Flourish by definition means to grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as the result of a particularly favorable environment.

How did 2019 treat you?

In 2019, I had a year of struggles. I went through a divorce after 16 years of marriage (18 years together), lost touch with loved ones because of the split, had to give up my home, moved miles away, dealt with a teen who wasn’t ready for hormones, let alone a change to her entire life. I even made a huge personal mistake that has been plaguing me (financially and emotionally) throughout the year.

Although I held my ground, I kept my job, I paid the bills (and his), I didn’t flourish…at all. I made some new friends, lost some more, but I made it through…because there’s no other option. It was a bad year. A year of trials, a year of tears, a year of pitfalls, life lessons, and independence.

I survived and rid myself of decades of toxins and abuse, and I raised my daughter in the best way I knew how…with love and as much understanding and empathy as I could muster. I wasn’t necessarily strong though any of this, but there’s something to be said about survival during times of loss and depression, rebirth and growth.

How will you make 2020 great?

For me, 2020 (the year and this new decade) will be a time of promises to myself. If I can’t accept myself, be proud of myself, love myself and what I do, I cannot make others happy, and I cannot flourish. In an effort to stand my ground and follow through with my promises, I’m putting them down here to hold myself accountable. There’s also something to be said about accountability when things don’t seem as “easy” as you’d hoped.

Let my creativity flow for a happier heart! I’ve all but given up on this little speck on the internet. It was a passion project I started years ago as a way to grow, share my knowledge and failures with other parents so that they could hopefully learn from my parental milestones and mistakes (there are many of both). I still feel I have a lot to offer and although this may not be the money maker it once was, it holds so much of my heart so I owe it my time, my love, and I long to share our highs and lows again. I’ve written about 20 posts this year, published maybe one. Time for a change in my strategy again!
Be proud and love myself! Boasting isn’t OK, but neither is allowing yourself to be a doormat, failing to tout your own accomplishments, or letting people know your worth. In 2020, I’m making a promise to be kinder to myself and learn that it’s OK to be proud of all that I’ve accomplished in my life and all that I continue to excel at.
Be a better mother! I’m a good mom, I really am, but in light of the circumstances created by the events of 2019, I’ve leaned more toward friendship and less toward mom. I’ve let things slide that I would have never in the past in an effort to make everyone happy. In doing this, I’ve not encouraged Kylee to flourish in a way that I know she can. She has a new lease on life, a great life without abuse now. I need to encourage her to succeed and sometimes that takes more tough love than I’ve been willing to dole out. I’ll continue to be her friend and show her empathy, however, I promise that I will be a mom again first!
Flourish! I don’t merely have to survive anymore. I need to live again, flourish, and enjoy this new lease on life. A flourish is an extra touch — a trumpet’s ta-ta-da! announcing a king’s entrance, a fancy carving atop an otherwise utilitarian pillar, a wave of a flag, or a cheerleader’s pompom. I have always been – and will continue to be – everyone else’s cheerleader. It’s time I do the same for myself since no one else will and I deserve it!
Live by my own mantra! Throughout 2019, actually throughout the past decade, I’ve been asking myself if I have enough strength to make it through. I’ve let my health decline, both mentally and physically, and sleepless nights and anxiety are a way of life. The truth of the matter is, financially, I’m doing fine; professionally, I’m doing quite well; and personally, I have friends and family in my corner. For just those three factors, I need to remind myself daily that insanity is not an option and I’m not only going to be “just OK”, but rather I will flourish, be content, and finally be happy again!

What is your 2020 word of the year?

So, on this 1st day of January, 2020, these are my promises to me. Happy New Year to one and all! May your year, and decade, be blessed with love, light, and prosperity. This is the year to flourish; seize the opportunity.

Raising a Tween Girl is Hard, Y’all!

By Christy 1 Comment

So your daughter’s a tween and you’re ready to pull your hair out. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry. Unfortunately, it’s totally normal! Mom of 6 here to share some lessons (warnings?) you need to know about raising a tween girl!

When did she become a tween?!?

If you’re like me, you’re not sure how it happened. One day your sweet, adorable, innocent baby girl woke up with a mouth full of sass and your whole world changed. And it sure as hell wasn’t for the better! As the mother of six (four of them girls), I’ve been through this before – although not to the level my Bug has taken this phase. I’m here to share a few tips for saving your ever-loving sanity until it all passes. Yes, it passes. Pinky swear!

Encourage her to enjoy her youth!

Remember that time your tween turned 12? Yes, the epitome of tweendom. Stuck smack dab in between being a little girl and a full-fledge teen? Yea, that birthday! Kylee turned 12 in September. She felt she was too old for a party. Didn’t think the cake and candle lighting really suited her maturity level. Surprise gifts are for babies; gift cards are better suited for tweens, of course. All of those things – every single one of them – are for babies. You know what? I didn’t listen (I rarely do when it’s for the better good).

I sent her on her way with her older sister, and her dad and I decorated her entire room in Paris-themed decor (note: I respected her desire to travel one day, but still did the whole surprise thing). She was thrilled when she got home!

I invited her BFF to come over for dinner, cake, and spend the night. It was a welcome surprise!

I ordered the unicorn cake, paid way too much for it, and the smile on her face was worth every penny. She still loves unicorns – so do I – and I just want to encourage her to enjoy the magical things in life as long as she can before this whole ridiculous world tries to cut her down as I know it will.

Not what you say, how you say it!

I need for you to let this one sink in. Say it with me…it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it! This goes for both of you…every day…all the time. Raising a tween girl is hard, y’all. So, so hard.

When that sassy mouth opens, you just never know what’s going to come out. Whether it’s something a teacher said at school today, an outfit gone wrong, a ponytail that just won’t go up exactly right (this one causes MELT DOWNS in my house), it’s not what she’s saying that is always the issue, it’s typically HOW she’s saying it. Your tween (like mine) can tell you about a great accomplishment and make you walk away feeling like you just got run over by a bus. Because…attitude.

Be her biggest fan!

Remind her that you are there to share in her joys, accomplishments, fears, successes, and failures – that you’re her biggest fan. Then remind her that if she’d tell you all of those things in her non-bitch voice (probably not the best words to use!), you’d be more attentive because we all really want to be attentive and involved in our kids’ lives no matter what!

But the same goes for you (yes, mom and dad, I’m eyeballing you!). Just because your tween daughter has a sassy mouth does NOT mean you can retaliate with more sass than she could ever muster (because, let’s face it, we’ve got all the experience). First, let me point out that it’s totally acceptable to roll your eyes – I, myself, am a master. It’s totally not OK to sass back. I’m as guilty as the rest, but truly have never seen a positive outcome from our sass-fests and so, I try to avoid them. Instead, I walk away until she gets the hint. I take her phone. No, you can’t go to your friends house. I do all the things an adult should do until she relents. We both win and it typically results in laughter and silliness – both of which are my favorite things to enjoy with my tween!

Promote positivity!

Whether your daughter is into sports, cheer, singing, dancing, theater, leadership…it doesn’t matter. If it’s a positive force in her life, encourage it! Make yourself available. I know you’re busy – we all are these days – but you can be there to get her to practice on time, to cheer her on, to just show you care. That goes a long way; I know from experience.

In high school, I cheered. I loved to cheer. We had buses back then to drive us home from practice so my parents didn’t need to be involved there (lucky bastards!). I will tell you though, although I had very loving and supportive parents, I can count on one hand the number of times they came to watch me cheer. I never told them it hurt to look up and not see them, but it did. When I walk into the stadium where Bug is cheering, I make sure I walk right by her and wave before taking a seat. She always smiles the biggest smile. That gesture can move mountains during a very uncertain time in their lives. Just be present! It matters!

Embrace her individuality!

You do you, Boo! That’s kind of overused by now, but it totally applies when you’re raising a tween girl. Encourage her to be unique. It’s important for girls at this age to “fit in”, but they sure as hell don’t have to be Stepford kids and it’s our job to help them understand that. My Kylee is unique, very much so, and she’s learned to accept the person that she is and actually love herself. She has her moments of doubt, but it’s in those moments that I make sure I’m there, encouraging my unicorn, and guiding her into her next magical phase in life.

Best parenting award goes to…

Am I saying I’m the world’s best parent and I have this tween parenting thing down? Hell, no! I fail at the above from time and time, and I get so frustrated with my daughter that I wonder why I ever decided to have so many damned kids. But then I look at her and I realize that although she’s going through this difficult phase and she’s stuck between a woman and a child – so to speak – she’s doing OK. She’s got A’s and B’s in school (go Bug!), she’s a cheerleader and she’s good at it, she’s first chair bassoon in the school band, and her teachers really seem to like her. That’s how I measure success. So am I the world’s best parent? Not even close. Am I doing well raising a tween girl? You bet your ass I am!

Good luck to you and yours. Believe me, the years will pass, you’ll both forget how incredibly trying this brief period was, and believe it or not, you’ll become best friends again some day. It all happens in the blink of an eye. Enjoy every second and for heaven’s sake…DON’T BLINK!

How to Cope with BTS Mom Blues

By Christy Leave a Comment

While most parents rejoice during back-to-school season, some of us suffer from the BTS Mom Blues. Probably not a clinical term, but a real condition. Try practicing these five ways to cope with BTS Mom Blues to combat your loneliness, anxiety, and depression.

What are the BTS Mom Blues?

While many of you are cheering back-to-school season and cherishing your quiet time alone, there are others, like myself, feeling empty and blue. While you may feel that you are getting SO MUCH DONE in these first few days, weeks, months, some of us can’t concentrate or get motivated enough to get anything done.

These issues and many more, my happy-go-lucky-loving-your-empty-day-nest friends, are called the BTS Mom Blues. And it’s rough! I’m prone to tears at any given moment, I have the television on mindless shows for “white noise”, every time I get out of a meeting, I look up expecting one of them, any of them, to immediately need something from me.

But they don’t. They aren’t even here. I’m all alone in my house. Just me, no noise other than the constant pecking of these keys.

Coping with the BTS Mom Blues!

If you miss frolicking with your kids during the care-free summer days, and if you’re a sufferer like me, I have some tips for coping you should try. You might not want/need to listen, but believe me, at this point I’m an expert with six kids and a total of 29 years full-time parenting under my belt (with a 9 and 11 year old still at home!).

Tip 1: Let them know you’re OK!

When they go to school on the first day, and all the subsequent days, let them know you’re OK with it. Sounds silly, but telling them helps you convince yourself. Added bonus for giving them that added boost of courage and confidence. Mom “wins” help you cope with your BST Blues.

Tip 2: Let them be unicorns!

I know this one might sound a little trite, cliché even, but really it’s not at all. For those of us who suffer the BTS Mom Blues, we need to remember that our children need to be unique and forge their own paths in life. If we keep them with us all the time (which is truly what I want to do other than the occasional date night, etc.), we don’t give them the space they need to make friends, become stronger, learn more, and just grow up to be amazing humans…all on their own!

Tip 3: Make the most of together time!

No brainer here. When they get off of school, finish up your work, help them with homework, then let them help make dinner for the night or lunches for the next day. You’ll begin to realize that the time you spent alone wasn’t so bad after all and it just makes you appreciate your time together that much more!

Tip 4: Use the TV for mindless white noise!

During the day, if you feel it’s too quiet to function, like I do, since you’ve grown so accustomed to the chaos, turn on the TV for some white noise. Keep the volume low so as not to distract you from your work, but the background noise will actually help raise your productivity. Trust me, I know from experience. Don’t turn on something that will suck you in, of course, because that’s counter productive. I suggest Jerry Springer (yes, I’m serious) or something similar. Lots of fighting, no resolution. Just like when the kids are at home!

Tip 5: Remember that you deserve alone time!

As moms, I think this one is the hardest. I almost think guilt plays a HUGE part in the BTS Mom Blues. We need to be needed in all aspects of our lives. Home, work, husband, kids, you name it; we need to be needed so we feel a sense of emptiness if any of those aspects aren’t with us at all times. Break the cycle. They need you, whether they are with you in the moment or not, they need you. Remember that every time you start to feel blue.

That’s about it. I guess I’m not much on advice since I still suffer this horrible ailment (at least for the first half of the school year) every year, but that’s my advice in a nutshell. Seems simple, straight forward, and somewhat elementary (see what I did right there?), but it’s how I get through these days and I’m hoping it will help y’all out too. Hang in there, mommas, we got this. What advice do you have for beating the BTS Mom Blues? I’d love to hear them in the comments below!