Insanity Is Not An Option

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Raising a Tween Girl is Hard, Y’all!

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So your daughter’s a tween and you’re ready to pull your hair out. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry. Unfortunately, it’s totally normal! Mom of 6 here to share some lessons (warnings?) you need to know about raising a tween girl!

So your daughter's a tween and you're ready to pull your hair out. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry. Unfortunately, it's totally normal! Mom of 6 here to share some lessons (warnings?) you need to know about raising a tween girl!

When did she become a tween?!?

If you’re like me, you’re not sure how it happened. One day your sweet, adorable, innocent baby girl woke up with a mouth full of sass and your whole world changed. And it sure as hell wasn’t for the better! As the mother of six (four of them girls), I’ve been through this before – although not to the level my Bug has taken this phase. I’m here to share a few tips for saving your ever-loving sanity until it all passes. Yes, it passes. Pinky swear!

So your daughter's a tween and you're ready to pull your hair out. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry. Unfortunately, it's totally normal! Mom of 6 here to share some lessons (warnings?) you need to know about raising a tween girl!

Encourage her to enjoy her youth!

Remember that time your tween turned 12? Yes, the epitome of tweendom. Stuck smack dab in between being a little girl and a full-fledge teen? Yea, that birthday! Kylee turned 12 in September. She felt she was too old for a party. Didn’t think the cake and candle lighting really suited her maturity level. Surprise gifts are for babies; gift cards are better suited for tweens, of course. All of those things – every single one of them – are for babies. You know what? I didn’t listen (I rarely do when it’s for the better good).

I sent her on her way with her older sister, and her dad and I decorated her entire room in Paris-themed decor (note: I respected her desire to travel one day, but still did the whole surprise thing). She was thrilled when she got home!

I invited her BFF to come over for dinner, cake, and spend the night. It was a welcome surprise!

I ordered the unicorn cake, paid way too much for it, and the smile on her face was worth every penny. She still loves unicorns – so do I – and I just want to encourage her to enjoy the magical things in life as long as she can before this whole ridiculous world tries to cut her down as I know it will.

So your daughter's a tween and you're ready to pull your hair out. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry. Unfortunately, it's totally normal! Mom of 6 here to share some lessons (warnings?) you need to know about raising a tween girl!

Not what you say, how you say it!

I need for you to let this one sink in. Say it with me…it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it! This goes for both of you…every day…all the time. Raising a tween girl is hard, y’all. So, so hard.

When that sassy mouth opens, you just never know what’s going to come out. Whether it’s something a teacher said at school today, an outfit gone wrong, a ponytail that just won’t go up exactly right (this one causes MELT DOWNS in my house), it’s not what she’s saying that is always the issue, it’s typically HOW she’s saying it. Your tween (like mine) can tell you about a great accomplishment and make you walk away feeling like you just got run over by a bus. Because…attitude.

Be her biggest fan!

Remind her that you are there to share in her joys, accomplishments, fears, successes, and failures – that you’re her biggest fan. Then remind her that if she’d tell you all of those things in her non-bitch voice (probably not the best words to use!), you’d be more attentive because we all really want to be attentive and involved in our kids’ lives no matter what!

But the same goes for you (yes, mom and dad, I’m eyeballing you!). Just because your tween daughter has a sassy mouth does NOT mean you can retaliate with more sass than she could ever muster (because, let’s face it, we’ve got all the experience). First, let me point out that it’s totally acceptable to roll your eyes – I, myself, am a master. It’s totally not OK to sass back. I’m as guilty as the rest, but truly have never seen a positive outcome from our sass-fests and so, I try to avoid them. Instead, I walk away until she gets the hint. I take her phone. No, you can’t go to your friends house. I do all the things an adult should do until she relents. We both win and it typically results in laughter and silliness – both of which are my favorite things to enjoy with my tween!

So your daughter's a tween and you're ready to pull your hair out. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry. Unfortunately, it's totally normal! Mom of 6 here to share some lessons (warnings?) you need to know about raising a tween girl!

Promote positivity!

Whether your daughter is into sports, cheer, singing, dancing, theater, leadership…it doesn’t matter. If it’s a positive force in her life, encourage it! Make yourself available. I know you’re busy – we all are these days – but you can be there to get her to practice on time, to cheer her on, to just show you care. That goes a long way; I know from experience.

In high school, I cheered. I loved to cheer. We had buses back then to drive us home from practice so my parents didn’t need to be involved there (lucky bastards!). I will tell you though, although I had very loving and supportive parents, I can count on one hand the number of times they came to watch me cheer. I never told them it hurt to look up and not see them, but it did. When I walk into the stadium where Bug is cheering, I make sure I walk right by her and wave before taking a seat. She always smiles the biggest smile. That gesture can move mountains during a very uncertain time in their lives. Just be present! It matters!

So your daughter's a tween and you're ready to pull your hair out. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry. Unfortunately, it's totally normal! Mom of 6 here to share some lessons (warnings?) you need to know about raising a tween girl!

Embrace her individuality!

You do you, Boo! That’s kind of overused by now, but it totally applies when you’re raising a tween girl. Encourage her to be unique. It’s important for girls at this age to “fit in”, but they sure as hell don’t have to be Stepford kids and it’s our job to help them understand that. My Kylee is unique, very much so, and she’s learned to accept the person that she is and actually love herself. She has her moments of doubt, but it’s in those moments that I make sure I’m there, encouraging my unicorn, and guiding her into her next magical phase in life.

So your daughter's a tween and you're ready to pull your hair out. She makes you laugh, she makes you cry. Unfortunately, it's totally normal! Mom of 6 here to share some lessons (warnings?) you need to know about raising a tween girl!

Best parenting award goes to…

Am I saying I’m the world’s best parent and I have this tween parenting thing down? Hell, no! I fail at the above from time and time, and I get so frustrated with my daughter that I wonder why I ever decided to have so many damned kids. But then I look at her and I realize that although she’s going through this difficult phase and she’s stuck between a woman and a child – so to speak – she’s doing OK. She’s got A’s and B’s in school (go Bug!), she’s a cheerleader and she’s good at it, she’s first chair bassoon in the school band, and her teachers really seem to like her. That’s how I measure success. So am I the world’s best parent? Not even close. Am I doing well raising a tween girl? You bet your ass I am!

Good luck to you and yours. Believe me, the years will pass, you’ll both forget how incredibly trying this brief period was, and believe it or not, you’ll become best friends again some day. It all happens in the blink of an eye. Enjoy every second and for heaven’s sake…DON’T BLINK!

How to Cope with BTS Mom Blues

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While most parents rejoice during back-to-school season, some of us suffer from the BTS Mom Blues. Probably not a clinical term, but a real condition. Try practicing these five ways to cope with BTS Mom Blues to combat your loneliness, anxiety, and depression.

While most parents rejoice during back-to-school days, some of us suffer from the BTS Mom Blues. Probably not a clinical term, but a real condition. Try practicing these five ways to cope with BTS Mom Blues to combat your loneliness, anxiety, and depression.

What are the BTS Mom Blues?

While many of you are cheering back-to-school season and cherishing your quiet time alone, there are others, like myself, feeling empty and blue. While you may feel that you are getting SO MUCH DONE in these first few days, weeks, months, some of us can’t concentrate or get motivated enough to get anything done.

These issues and many more, my happy-go-lucky-loving-your-empty-day-nest friends, are called the BTS Mom Blues. And it’s rough! I’m prone to tears at any given moment, I have the television on mindless shows for “white noise”, every time I get out of a meeting, I look up expecting one of them, any of them, to immediately need something from me.

But they don’t. They aren’t even here. I’m all alone in my house. Just me, no noise other than the constant pecking of these keys.

While most parents rejoice during back-to-school days, some of us suffer from the BTS Mom Blues. Probably not a clinical term, but a real condition. Try practicing these five ways to cope with BTS Mom Blues to combat your loneliness, anxiety, and depression.

Coping with the BTS Mom Blues!

If you miss frolicking with your kids during the care-free summer days, and if you’re a sufferer like me, I have some tips for coping you should try. You might not want/need to listen, but believe me, at this point I’m an expert with six kids and a total of 29 years full-time parenting under my belt (with a 9 and 11 year old still at home!).

While most parents rejoice during back-to-school days, some of us suffer from the BTS Mom Blues. Probably not a clinical term, but a real condition. Try practicing these five ways to cope with BTS Mom Blues to combat your loneliness, anxiety, and depression.

Tip 1: Let them know you’re OK!

When they go to school on the first day, and all the subsequent days, let them know you’re OK with it. Sounds silly, but telling them helps you convince yourself. Added bonus for giving them that added boost of courage and confidence. Mom “wins” help you cope with your BST Blues.

While most parents rejoice during back-to-school days, some of us suffer from the BTS Mom Blues. Probably not a clinical term, but a real condition. Try practicing these five ways to cope with BTS Mom Blues to combat your loneliness, anxiety, and depression.

Tip 2: Let them be unicorns!

I know this one might sound a little trite, cliché even, but really it’s not at all. For those of us who suffer the BTS Mom Blues, we need to remember that our children need to be unique and forge their own paths in life. If we keep them with us all the time (which is truly what I want to do other than the occasional date night, etc.), we don’t give them the space they need to make friends, become stronger, learn more, and just grow up to be amazing humans…all on their own!

While most parents rejoice during back-to-school days, some of us suffer from the BTS Mom Blues. Probably not a clinical term, but a real condition. Try practicing these five ways to cope with BTS Mom Blues to combat your loneliness, anxiety, and depression.

Tip 3: Make the most of together time!

No brainer here. When they get off of school, finish up your work, help them with homework, then let them help make dinner for the night or lunches for the next day. You’ll begin to realize that the time you spent alone wasn’t so bad after all and it just makes you appreciate your time together that much more!

Tip 4: Use the TV for mindless white noise!

During the day, if you feel it’s too quiet to function, like I do, since you’ve grown so accustomed to the chaos, turn on the TV for some white noise. Keep the volume low so as not to distract you from your work, but the background noise will actually help raise your productivity. Trust me, I know from experience. Don’t turn on something that will suck you in, of course, because that’s counter productive. I suggest Jerry Springer (yes, I’m serious) or something similar. Lots of fighting, no resolution. Just like when the kids are at home!

Tip 5: Remember that you deserve alone time!

As moms, I think this one is the hardest. I almost think guilt plays a HUGE part in the BTS Mom Blues. We need to be needed in all aspects of our lives. Home, work, husband, kids, you name it; we need to be needed so we feel a sense of emptiness if any of those aspects aren’t with us at all times. Break the cycle. They need you, whether they are with you in the moment or not, they need you. Remember that every time you start to feel blue.

That’s about it. I guess I’m not much on advice since I still suffer this horrible ailment (at least for the first half of the school year) every year, but that’s my advice in a nutshell. Seems simple, straight forward, and somewhat elementary (see what I did right there?), but it’s how I get through these days and I’m hoping it will help y’all out too. Hang in there, mommas, we got this. What advice do you have for beating the BTS Mom Blues? I’d love to hear them in the comments below!

An Unlikely Casualty of Bullying

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As a mom, it’s hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

As a mom, it's hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

An Unlikely Casualty of Bullying

Our experience with bullies in today’s middle school has been life altering. Literally. There’s been an unlikely casualty here, and although I’m fortunate it’s not a tangible human casualty, my daughter is forever changed, I fear. Before you go thinking I’m being a little overly dramatic again, let’s define casualty.

cas·u·al·ty (noun):

  • a person killed or injured in a war or accident.
  • a person or thing badly affected by an event or situation.

My Bug falls heavily under that second definition. She’s different. Everything about her has changed. She’s no longer just a bad ass, she’s borderline bad, and she’s completely shut down.

As a mom, it's hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

From Cheers to Tears!

Although Kylee has always had an “attitude” issue, she was a very cheerful kid who sang, danced, and took over every situation whenever she could just to be the star of the show. The start of middle school was a huge win for our Bug. She was on the cheer squad, in band, getting fantastic grades, and all of the teachers just thought she was a doll. She was the quintessential student and she had a huge group of “friends”.

Then the bullying started. One incident after another. Some mild mannered that we worked through, some absolutely blood curdling. But with each instance, I watched my daughter change. With each mean word, slap, threat, lack of action (and actual bullying) by some administrators…she just kept changing. She was shutting down.

My daughter was shutting down.

As a mom, it's hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

The Day My Daughter Changed

I can’t say I recall the exact day, the exact moment, that Kylee became a different person, but I can say that her entire personality is an unlikely casualty of bullying. I’ve been supportive, I’ve been at the school, I’ve documented everything, I’ve encouraged my daughter regularly, but she’s different.

Whatever day it was, or series of days, I’ve watched my daughter slowly die inside and a new person has emerged. This person is not as kind or loving as the last one was; not even close. She’s no longer very talkative, she fights with everyone at home, she rolls her eyes at her teachers, she complains about changing for cheer (if she goes to practice at all), she stopped bringing her bassoon home to practice. She doesn’t sing like she used to, she doesn’t dance a whole lot.

Her new “friend” group is actually the last round of bullies. Yes, she’s with them now since she couldn’t stand strongly against them, since the administrators labeled her “one of them”. I mean, if she has to go to ISS every time she speaks up against one of them, she might as well be friends with them. Of course I understand, but I don’t condone it. She hasn’t (and will NOT) hurt anyone, but she’ll slowly roll with this group of girls until she’s in the wrong place at the wrong time. She’s afraid to find a new friend group since they all “turn on her anyway” so she’s settled here rather than being alone.

What would you do?

I, personally, would rather be alone and I’ve told her that repeatedly, but I can’t be there every minute of every day. I can only be there to pick her up every time she falls. And I will.

In the meantime, I’m here watching over her as best I can, protecting her every step of the way, and watching her slowly die inside while I stand helplessly by. No words I can say, no hug, no anything will erase what she’s gone through. I just hope one day in the near future she realizes that her whole life doesn’t have to change, she doesn’t have to change, and she’s back to the feisty little bad ass that I love so much!

Right now, unfortunately, her psyche is an unlikely casualty of bullying and I miss her.