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An Unlikely Casualty of Bullying

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As a mom, it’s hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

As a mom, it's hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

An Unlikely Casualty of Bullying

Our experience with bullies in today’s middle school has been life altering. Literally. There’s been an unlikely casualty here, and although I’m fortunate it’s not a tangible human casualty, my daughter is forever changed, I fear. Before you go thinking I’m being a little overly dramatic again, let’s define casualty.

cas·u·al·ty (noun):

  • a person killed or injured in a war or accident.
  • a person or thing badly affected by an event or situation.

My Bug falls heavily under that second definition. She’s different. Everything about her has changed. She’s no longer just a bad ass, she’s borderline bad, and she’s completely shut down.

As a mom, it's hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

From Cheers to Tears!

Although Kylee has always had an “attitude” issue, she was a very cheerful kid who sang, danced, and took over every situation whenever she could just to be the star of the show. The start of middle school was a huge win for our Bug. She was on the cheer squad, in band, getting fantastic grades, and all of the teachers just thought she was a doll. She was the quintessential student and she had a huge group of “friends”.

Then the bullying started. One incident after another. Some mild mannered that we worked through, some absolutely blood curdling. But with each instance, I watched my daughter change. With each mean word, slap, threat, lack of action (and actual bullying) by some administrators…she just kept changing. She was shutting down.

My daughter was shutting down.

As a mom, it's hard to deal with your child being bullied. Constant contact with school officials, too many scares to be counted, crying (both of you) more than you should, but what do you do when your child becomes an unlikely casualty of bullying?

The Day My Daughter Changed

I can’t say I recall the exact day, the exact moment, that Kylee became a different person, but I can say that her entire personality is an unlikely casualty of bullying. I’ve been supportive, I’ve been at the school, I’ve documented everything, I’ve encouraged my daughter regularly, but she’s different.

Whatever day it was, or series of days, I’ve watched my daughter slowly die inside and a new person has emerged. This person is not as kind or loving as the last one was; not even close. She’s no longer very talkative, she fights with everyone at home, she rolls her eyes at her teachers, she complains about changing for cheer (if she goes to practice at all), she stopped bringing her bassoon home to practice. She doesn’t sing like she used to, she doesn’t dance a whole lot.

Her new “friend” group is actually the last round of bullies. Yes, she’s with them now since she couldn’t stand strongly against them, since the administrators labeled her “one of them”. I mean, if she has to go to ISS every time she speaks up against one of them, she might as well be friends with them. Of course I understand, but I don’t condone it. She hasn’t (and will NOT) hurt anyone, but she’ll slowly roll with this group of girls until she’s in the wrong place at the wrong time. She’s afraid to find a new friend group since they all “turn on her anyway” so she’s settled here rather than being alone.

What would you do?

I, personally, would rather be alone and I’ve told her that repeatedly, but I can’t be there every minute of every day. I can only be there to pick her up every time she falls. And I will.

In the meantime, I’m here watching over her as best I can, protecting her every step of the way, and watching her slowly die inside while I stand helplessly by. No words I can say, no hug, no anything will erase what she’s gone through. I just hope one day in the near future she realizes that her whole life doesn’t have to change, she doesn’t have to change, and she’s back to the feisty little bad ass that I love so much!

Right now, unfortunately, her psyche is an unlikely casualty of bullying and I miss her.

When Your Daughter Gets Bullied

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It’s an ugly world that we’re raising kids in these days. But what do you do when your daughter gets bullied in the 5th grade? Not a little picking, we’re talking full-blown threats to her livelihood. Our experience with bullies in today’s middle school.

It's an ugly world that we're raising kids in these days. But what do you do when your daughter gets bullied in the 5th grade? Not a little picking, we're talking full-blown threats to her livelihood. Our experience with bullies in today's middle school.

I always thought…not my Bug. Who would bully her? I mean, she’s a bad ass so everyone should be scared of her, right? Totally wrong because she’s not a bully…just a bad ass (I say that with love). There’s a difference.

Bad Ass vs Bully: There’s a Difference

A bad ass kid, like my Bug, just does her own thing. She’s not overly nice to others most times, does and says what she wants, and she doesn’t always fit in. She doesn’t usually care. The kid talks back often, refuses to listen (even if it’s for her own good), but she hurts no one really, at least not in a threatening way.

A bully, on the other hand, is a whole different (disgusting) breed. They thrive on drama, chaos, and instilling fear in others. We all know, as adults, that a bully is just a weak person who enjoys intimidating others, but let’s get back to bullying in the 5th grade. A 5th grader (or 6th, 7th, 8th…oh, really through adulthood) bully cares only about himself. The adrenaline rush they get (I suppose) from preying on the fears and vulnerability of others is what fuels their disgraceful fire and they’ll stop at nothing short of a scared fellow human, a brawl, or unfortunately in our case, a small-scale riot. Bullies are assholes.

Bad ass kids are confused and hormonal. Again, there’s a difference! Neither is OK if you’re a parent, but one is understandable; the other is NOT.

Let’s Talk about Bug’s Bully…

Well, let’s back up first. The bully thing all started when she entered the 5th grade, middle school in our parts. I mean, there were issues in elementary school, of course, but nothing that brought blood-curdling fear into my body and mind. That started here, this year, in the 5th grade. I may be saying in the 5th grade a lot, because that’s important. We all hear of crime every day and as sad as it is, that’s the world we live in. But that crime comes out of poverty, ignorance, adulthood…right? WRONG! Apparently it happens in 5th grade now, and I’ve had enough!

It's an ugly world that we're raising kids in these days. But what do you do when your daughter gets bullied in the 5th grade? Not a little picking, we're talking full-blown threats to her livelihood. Our experience with bullies in today's middle school.

Where it all began…

There was a girl in gym class who didn’t like my Bug. I mean, I get it, we don’t all have to like everyone. Dodgeball was a target session against my daughter. Basketball games were a game of dodgeball for my daughter. It just didn’t stop. We went to the office and reported it. It stopped. Not sure if that girl got in trouble or not, don’t care, but it stopped. Whew!

Fast forward two weeks…Bug had an issue with a kid in gym class. He’d been unkind to her all through elementary school (which I knew) and it escalated one day at gym class (notice a theme yet?). He picked, he prodded, she SLAPPED him. OMG…my kid was the bully. But no, she fought back, the school recognized it, she got ISS. She did the crime, she did the time. I supported their decision. The end, or so I thought.

Fast forward yet another week…Bug was now labeled as a “fighter”. It spiraled. The girl that had SPENT THE NIGHT at my house that Saturday, the one that had been friends with Bug since the 2nd grade…yea, that one…got mad at Bug in the hallway over a hug. A HUG by both of their admission. In gym class that day (come on now…you see where the issue is here, right?), this girl…bully…approached Bug. She threw up a hand, a fist, and swung. Bug ducked. The bully provoked her with “hit me, just hit me first so I can hit you and get this over with”. Bug refused (good Bug!) and the kids, the bully’s thugs, started chanting to provoke a fight! The gym teacher gave both girls in-class ISS, the vice principal talked to them. That was it. So we thought.

The next morning, Bug sat far away from the girl she formerly called friend. Didn’t work. Her big sister (yes, 7th graders can seem very intimidating and a lot bigger to 5th graders) approached her and said,

Leave my fucking sister alone. Just wait until I catch you in the bathroom alone because I’m gonna FUCK YOU UP!

Let that sink in.

She said it low, but it was in a room full of students and administrators. She wasn’t scared of getting in trouble. She was bullying my daughter. In the adult world, that’s a terroristic threat punishable by law. In the world of the middle school bullies, it’s nothin’ but a thang.

I seriously need for you to let that sink in!

I got a text from my daughter within five seconds of the incident. My bad ass kid was scared, as was I. Have you seen the Lifetime movies where one high school girl (they haven’t made one about middle school YET) gets mad at another so she gets a group of friends together and they take the other girl in the bathroom and start to beat her just to scare her, but things go too far and that girl hits her head on the sink and dies then everyone’s sorry? Yea, I’ve seen them too and that’s all I saw in my head that very second I got the message from my daughter.

Might sound a little dramatic, but is it really? Not in my head. Not on the news!

It's an ugly world that we're raising kids in these days. But what do you do when your daughter gets bullied in the 5th grade? Not a little picking, we're talking full-blown threats to her livelihood. Our experience with bullies in today's middle school.

What to Do When Your Daughter Gets Bullied?

My reaction was to immediately call the school and insist (NO I DO NOT CARE THAT THEY ARE IN A MORNING MEETING) that I speak with someone immediately. I got the counselor. Very kind, very understanding, very empathetic, but her daughter hadn’t just been threatened. She would do something RIGHT AWAY and call me right back. Seconds turned into minutes, turned into hours, turned into a return call. She’d “handled” it. The bully and her bully sister have a rough life (I know this!) and they’re sorry. Of course they’re sorry they got caught! You know, getting caught for telling someone you’ll FUCK THEM UP is a big deal.

The girls can never speak to Bug again. Did I want to push ISS? No, what good does that do? Oh nothing you say…yea, me too, but my daughter “served her time”. Whatever. Stop the bullying!

That wasn’t the last instance. New girl, different day, same gym class, fat lip from a slap. The thing is, bullying, threatening (KILLING) in schools, even middle schools, these days is a thing. How did we get to this place? How did we let this world break like this? When, where did it happen and how in the hell do we just make it stop?

My daughter doesn’t deserve to be bullied, neither does anyone else’s daughter or son. What are we going to do? What do you do when your daughter or son gets bullied? Bug’s a very different person now than she was when she entered 5th grade. It’s heartbreaking and I need to do more; we all need to do more!

On Raising 2 Kids on Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

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For what it’s worth, I’m just a mom raising 2 kids on opposite ends of the spectrum and the struggle is real. Every day life poses challenges that only other moms on this rollercoaster can understand!

For what it's worth, I'm just a mom raising 2 kids on opposite ends of the spectrum and the struggle is real. Every day life poses challenges that only other moms on this rollercoaster can understand!

I’m raising two kids on opposite ends of the spectrum and it’s weird, y’all. So weird and challenging. By spectrum, I’m not talking the autistic spectrum that some of my friends (man, those mommas are superheroes in my book!) have to deal with; I’m talking spectrum as it’s defined in Webster, just in general.

Spectrum: 

Used to classify something, or suggest that it can be classified, in terms of its position on a scale between two extreme or opposite points.

Two extreme or opposite points? Yes, that’s my Kylee (Bug) and Zachary (Bubby) to the millionth power. They are at opposite points in everything…eating habits, vocabulary, scholastic skills, social skills, clothing preferences, futuristic goals…you name it, one is red, the other is violet…just like the opposite ends of the rainbow spectrum.

As a mom, the daily struggle is so real, it’s exhausting. How do you address their differences without hurting the other? How do you teach them academically without confusing one or losing the other’s interest? How do you cut up with one’s friends, while realizing the other doesn’t really have any? How do you celebrate one’s grades without making the other feel less? How can you tell one to finish the food on their plate while you tell the the other (the picky one) that you’ll get them something else because you completely understand?

How do you balance it all, knowing you love them both equally, but knowing that, although they share the same DNA, their makeup is so completely, utterly different on so many levels?

HOW?

I know you’re going to tell me that every child/person is different, and you’re completely right. I have six children of my own, and although they are all unique in their own way, no two people/children in my life have ever been more dissimilar than the two I’m raising right now. And yet, thankfully, they love each other, as they should. But they’re so different.

Kylee loves all food except for shrimp, bananas, ribs, and American cheese. Zach eats no food other than peanut butter and honey sandwiches, chicken patties (no nuggets), cereal, pizza (not homemade, and the gooey cheese of good pizza grosses him out), and spaghetti (only mine).

Zach has the vocabulary of an intelligent 40 year old; Kylee struggles to understand what he’s talking about on a daily basis.

For what it's worth, I'm just a mom raising 2 kids on opposite ends of the spectrum and the struggle is real. Every day life poses challenges that only other moms on this rollercoaster can understand!

Kylee struggles with school, standardized testing (don’t get me started), getting along with teachers and authority figures in general, and homework. Zach is a straight A student who is off the chart on standardized tests (like he brings additional funds into the school with a handful of others), is a teachers’ pet, and comes home and willingly does his homework daily, even before playing his beloved video games…all on his own.

For what it's worth, I'm just a mom raising 2 kids on opposite ends of the spectrum and the struggle is real. Every day life poses challenges that only other moms on this rollercoaster can understand!

Kylee has a more active social life than I did at the age of 21, while Zach struggles socially because no one his age seems to understand him, nor share his interests (that one really breaks my heart!).

For what it's worth, I'm just a mom raising 2 kids on opposite ends of the spectrum and the struggle is real. Every day life poses challenges that only other moms on this rollercoaster can understand!

Kylee loves wild, bright clothing while Zach prefers plaids and khakis, or plaid with plaid (even better).

Kylee wants to swim with the dolphins when she grows up (that’s a cool aspiration, I must admit), while Zach aspires to be a game developer (totally cool as well, my kids are pretty bad ass) or an engineer.

The spectrum is covered in my house, but it’s so very rough.

Praising Kylee’s eating habits while not making Zachary feel like he’s less because he’s picky like his mom…is a struggle.

Fostering Zachary’s love of words while not trying to lose Kylee in conversation…is a struggle.

Hanging Zach’s straight A report cards and test scores on the refrigerator while trying to explain to Kylee that she IS enough and she’s raised her grades by 2, 3, 7, 10 points (she tries hard most of the time, y’all!) is the hugest struggle of all (but I do continue to encourage her and her report cards are hung right next to his for the record!).

Allowing Kylee to have her friends spend the night, or accepting another sleepover invite, while I hear from Zach’s teacher that he is struggling socially is both invigorating (that she’s so popular) and heartbreaking (because he’s so funny and it’s not his fault that other “kids” don’t get him) all at the same time.

For what it's worth, I'm just a mom raising 2 kids on opposite ends of the spectrum and the struggle is real. Every day life poses challenges that only other moms on this rollercoaster can understand!

This all might sound superficial to you in light of today’s tumultuous times, unless of course you are the parent (and I know you’re out there) of two kids on opposite ends of the spectrum.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t know if I’m asking for help, or just venting. I just know I’m exhausted and I want them, both of them, to always feel like they’re enough (they are so enough) in this world and it’s an exhausting challenge on a daily basis to raise such opposing personalities in the same space, at the same time.

I love them both, equally, and I hope they always know that. I love how they love each other no matter how much they fight and I hope that they’ll always support and love one another, despite their opposing sides of the universe.

One day, although they’ll always be horrifically different humans, I hope they lean in and help each other to fit in better in the areas they don’t belong. One day, I hope they notice that I was always in their corners and that I struggled to foster their differences, no matter how real that struggle was. I hope that they, some day, read this and know that, no matter what, I tried…I always tried…to raise two kids on two opposite ends of the spectrum as fairly, and as lovingly, as I possibly could! They’re both important in their own right. I love them both, differently and equally, despite their differences.

I hope they know I know they’re amazing, both of them. Their similarities, and their differences, make them the beautiful people that they are now, that they will always be. Only a mom can see this, you know?

Are you raising two (or more) children on opposite ends of the spectrum? If so, please tell me how you deal with it because it’s rough, y’all, and I just want to do the best that I can for the little humans that I’m raising now…on opposite ends of the spectrum.